The story I’m making
up:
So over the past year and half…my story that I’ve been
making up in my head is WHY…WHY did I get divorced. HOW did it happen? WHAT whet wrong? And when
I talk with others who ask…the story that I share with them…well…is it really
the truth? Is it really what happened? Or is it just my version? Is it what I
have been telling myself to believe is true…so I can better cope with the
situation?
We are human. It’s a natural reaction that we all do. We want to feel like it’s not our fault. We want to naturally place blame or think
that it’s the other person’s fault. Well…as
much as I think that there are some things that my ex-husband could’ve done
differently…way differently…I know that there are things I could have done as
well.
And to truly move on with life, to truly take a step forward…I
can’t keep thinking the way I have been thinking. I have to RECKON with the truth…”In I Must Go”…and
RUMBLE around with the truth…to truly share “My Story”. That way it won’t be made up…it won’t be my
version…it will be my ACTUAL story. THEN…yes…THEN…I know I’ve made it to the
other side and ready for another ride.
Our stories are made up of our emotions, our bodies, our
thinking, our beliefs, and our actions.
Today…I will dig deep into my emotions!
My emotions:
Wow…emotions…boy do they ever take a toll on everything that
comes down below in my story. They have
impacted my body, my thinking, my beliefs, and my actions. Must be why they need to come first in My
Story.
I started out feeling happy, confident, relieved, and
completely content with life…when I left my teaching job and took on the role
of Director of Public Education at our local fire department. I also became a Beachbody Coach at the same
time…and man on man…did I feel like I was on CLOUD 9. I can truly think back to those 6 months of
my life…and say they were the happiest I have ever been.
STOP! HALT! SHUT THE DOOR!
That is NOT how my ex-husband was feeling. He had kept it in. He had let it fester. And well…one day…he let me know how he was
feeling. Initially…I felt like he was
being selfish. How could he not have
been happy for me? How could he not see that I was the happiest I’ve ever been
in life? I couldn’t understand why it
was impacting him so much. ----Fast forward through a year of hell (literal
hell) and almost another year of being separated/divorced----and I have a
different outlook on the whole thing.
Yes, he may have been being selfish. BUT…so was I.
I was finally getting to do something that I wanted to do. Something that I felt called to do. And I was happy…so WHO CARES about everyone
else right? They should be happy for me no matter what. I mean…we were family right???
WRONG! ---BUT the story I’ve been telling myself…to make me
feel better…to make me feel like it wasn’t my fault…is…---my family disowned
me. They didn’t care about me or my
dreams. They never asked how I was
feeling. NEVER. They completely dropped
me. How could they do that to me? I’ve
given 10 years of my life to them…WHY couldn’t I do something for ME…just this
once…I mean…it was going to help the ENTIRE family if I could just have some
time to do what I wanted to do. I knew I
loved them with my whole heart. So why
were things happening the way they were?
Well…in the process
of telling that story to myself…I completely lost my entire family, my world, my
EVERYTHING. I had been selfish myself. And
let me tell you about emotions…remember…I was confident, happy, relieved, and
excited…and in a matter of a few short months…it turned a big 180 degrees. I became depressed, bitter, unmotivated, sad,
and 2nd guessing everything that I thought I was put on this Earth
to do. I’m sure I wasn’t the best wife
during all of those emotions either.
Anyway…back
to my emotions…they stayed that way for quite a long time. And I will spare all of us the nitty gritty
details of a divorce…but unfortunately…we divorced. I’ve been learning to live life again in a
whole new way. No kids, no husband, no
after school events, no late night game nights, no pool parties with neighbors,
etc. Life completely flip flopped on me
and I’ve had a very hard time with it.
You know…those things called EMOTIONS…they seriously impact life.
BUT…with help of my family, friends, fit family, my ladies
in the divorce group, reading personal development books…and the most important
thing…finding my way back to having a relationship with the Lord…I have
realized that I could’ve done a heck of a lot of things differently…and maybe
it would’ve worked. Maybe I’d still have
my family that I loved so dearly. But…that’s
not the case anymore. I can’t continue
to live looking back in the past. The
future is in God’s hands…and HE has a plan for me. One that I don’t even know yet…but what I do
know…is that I have learned from this roller coaster of emotions. I’ve learned from the past and I’m ready to
go into this new plan HE has for me with confidence.
God has helped me turn back around. I feel confident in who I am. I know where my heart is and how much I have
to offer. I know that HE will lead me
down a new path that will not only get me back to how I felt in those 6 months
of life where I was my happiest…but HE will help me surpass those
feelings. As long as I continue to keep
HIM close to me…I have no doubt it will come for me.
Next week…my body…and yes…all of these emotions that I’ve
just discussed…they had an effect that’s for sure…
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